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How To Manipulate Others (or avoid manipulation all together)

In this dog eat dog world, manipulation seems to be the way to the shortcut to success. Many times, people who deserve success get bypassed by people that manipulated themselves around the deserving people. Of course, when one gets what he or she wants via manipulation, they usually only find themselves at the top for a short while before falling all the way to the bottom. Unfortunately, in many cases, the people who once deserved the success don’t always get a second chance. Sometimes this has to do with the fact that they give up hope when they are bypassed, or sometimes the people who were manipulated decide they don’t want to get burnt again and don’t pursue the opportunity any longer.

If you have ever been in a situation where you did something that you never really wanted to do and can’t give a good reason why you did it, only to find that you keep doing it, or perhaps you thought you were madly in love with someone, but you didn’t know why even when they were verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, or if you ever find yourself justifying the actions of others, chances are, you have been or are currently being manipulated.

Anyway, here are some of the top ways people manipulate others. Knowing what to look for will help you avoid getting manipulated.

There are, of course, many ways people get manipulated, including con-games, Grifting, and protection schemes. We see manipulation every day when we turn our TVs on and watch the mindless commercials trying to sell worthless junk to us. For this reason, we are only going to discuss common techniques to manipulate others through their emotions. Children learn this technique very early on, and unfortunately, many adults continue the practice.

People enjoy manipulating others because it gives them a sense of power. It makes them feel important. It makes them think they are large and in charge. It’s a power trip that really comes down to one thing…greed.

We probably have all met people like this. Many of us may be dealing with people like this on a daily basis. I highly recommend a book called “Boundaries” as it teaches you to say “no” when you need to.

People that are especially good at manipulation know how to play their role really well and you will likely never see their fiery darts coming at you until half your defenses on fire and in danger of turning to ash.

So, without further ado, let’s discuss the common methods of manipulation.

1) Challenging Your Self Esteem

This form of manipulation is used to make you do something you have second thoughts about. It’s most common among parents trying to get their children to do something they are afraid of, like ride that big rollercoaster that they are deathly afraid of. Here are the phrases to watch out for:

• “I hope you aren’t afraid…”
• “You big chicken…”
• “I did this when I was younger than you…” These three phrases are an attempt to make you do something you deem dangerous or to go beyond your realm of comfort.
• “Most people fail at this task. If you succeed, you will prove that you really are the best…”

This form of manipulation isn’t ALWAYS bad if used lightly. When I took my daughters to an amusement park last year, they were all geared up and excited to ride the big rollercoasters … until they saw them. I wanted to take them on a small one at first, just to get them used to the idea. They started having second thoughts, so I said “Aww come on. I know you were excited. You can be brave, right?”

Notice I didn’t use the word “Chicken” or use a demeaning tone.

Sometimes at work, our bosses may use the “D” form above to encourage us to go above and beyond what we think we can do. This isn’t always bad, but sometimes they may use this to take advantage of the employees as well.

2) Guilt

This form of manipulation is downright evil. It’s primary goal is finding a way to get to you through an aspect of your life that goes against your moral upbringing and using it in a way to make you do their demands. It’s very much like blackmail.

Here are some key phrases to watch out for:

• “How can you say that? I am going to tell xxx unless you…”
• “Are you trying to break my heart?”

Served with the proper acting, this one can be a doozy.

3) Fear

This form of manipulation plays on your fear to get you to do what they want you to.

Here are some key phrases:

• “If you do that, you will lose me forever.”
• “Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?”

When the manipulator finds your breaking points, they will put the knife in deep and twist it and twist it until you can be heard screaming a mile away. Once they get you to do what they want, they will use that fear to keep you on their path. This one is devastating and affects many people today.

4) The Undying Need to Be Needed

This form is used in relationships commonly in seduction situations where the manipulator preys on the victim’s need to be needed and liked. It is often seen in phrases like the following:

• “Well, if you aren’t willing to go to 2nd base, then just forget it. Let’s call the whole thing off. I don’t think we were meant to be.”
• “Well, if you don’t want to do that, then I don’t have a lot of time this week.”

Both of those phrases will leave the victim wondering if they should have done things differently to keep the manipulator around. It’s an uphill battle that can never be won. If the victim falls for the trick and gives in, the next time, the manipulator will demand more.

5) True Love

This goes hand in hand with Guilt. It’s very common among children to their parents. Watch for the following:

• “If you love me…really love me, you will do this for me…”
• They give you the pouty look, drag their feet along and mutter things like, “I guess you don’t really love me then.”

It’s sad when adults use this trick to get their lover / spouse to give in.

6) Social Status

This is another one that is quite common among children, but I have seen it among many adults as well. It usually sounds something like this:

• “All my friends are going to go.”
• “I’m the only person I know of that doesn’t have…”

I tried this a lot when I was a kid. My parents response…is something I use today with my own daughters…”If all your friends jumped off of a bridge, would you follow them?”

7) Paybacks

Another classic. In this situation, someone may offer to do something for you that seems too good to be true. Then, after a bit, they ask you for a favor and guilt you into doing it because of the fantastic thing they did for you. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it usually is.

8 ) Pity / Emotional Manipulation

Another classic. This one actually draws from almost every other form of manipulation and can come in several forms. The goal is to get your pity so that no matter what the manipulator does or says, you feel bad for leaving. It goes something like this:

• “Nobody likes me.” This is used in an effort to get pity so you’ll say “I do!” Once the manipulator has you in their grasp, they can continue to play in your pity to get what they want.
• “You are the only person that has ever loved me.” While this may be masked into making the victim feel special, in reality it’s an attempt to make the victim feel unable to make another choice because they don’t want the manipulator to feel that the only person that has ever loved them no longer loves them.
• “I can’t do anything right.”
• “I’m a jerk.”
• Etc. Various statements to ensure a contrary reaction from the victim.

As you can see, this whole thing is nothing more than an emotional rollercoaster designed to manipulate the victim into feeling bad about themselves or the manipulator to coerce them into doing something against their better judgment.

Parents, you will see these signs among your children. Children are pros at it. Nip it in the bud as soon as you can. Do not fall victim to it. Teach the kids why this is wrong.

However, if you see several of these warning signs in other adults, run, don’t walk, in the other direction. Protect your emotions, your heart and even your loved ones from emotional manipulators. Nothing good can come of it.